Visited mom later in the day, around 4:00. She was not in good shape. Very agitated, lots of "Oh no", "Dear Lord", "Oh God", almost constantly. I tried my best to change the subject, to get her to relax with a back massage, and to distract her with pleasant conversation. Nothing really worked. She was worried and could not settle down and relax. She fed herself part of the meal but only a spoonful before I had to remind her where her spoon or fork was and to pick it up and put it in her mouth. I did spoon-feed her quite a bit of the meal but I fear that she will forget how to hold the utensil and don't want to take away her independence so I keep working with her.
When I am back home, I realize that I am trying to climb a wall that keeps getting higher and higher. As long as mom is alive, I want her to have some happiness, some joy or meaning to however many days or years she has left. As long as I am making some progress, either through improving her living conditions by complaining to the authorities at the home or taking her out for a chocolate shake, I can feel some accomplishment...some sense of helping. On days like today when I am helpless to relieve her suffering, I am defeated.
When I left today, I was talking with Pat, one of the aides. I was feeling down and said, "Mom is not very good today". She agreed and said, "Well, at least you know she is safe and that she is comfortable". Perhaps I need a mental adjustment. Alzheimer's is a progressive disease. It is logical that mom will have bad days; and as time goes by, more bad than good days. There may be days when I can help her. There may be days when I cannot. As a caregiver, I need to think about what Pat told me. She said, "You and your sister are here". "You and your sister do a lot for your mom". "You and your sister show up". "A lot of people never come and visit their loved ones". "She's safe and comfortable and you are doing all you can".
I can fight Alzheimer's but I can't win. I need to acknowledge this and convince myself of this so I have the strength to be there for her for another day.
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Nice title :)
ReplyDeleteMany of the days lately I feel as if I can't do much to make mom happy. Sometimes it is as little as a small comment such as, "uhmm, wonderful" when I am giving her a neck/head massage. I had to pretty much feed her yesterday because she was tired from being up all morning and having her hair done. She kept flinging her head backward. I had to stand behind her for a while so she could rest her head on me. I try to make her use the utensils herself so she will be able to keep up the skill of feeding herself, but this time I had to get food on the fork and then hand it to her every time. It took forever, but she was still doing some part of it herself. By the time dessert came she couldn't even handle the spoon at all, so I just fed her. It seems that in just a week she has really gotten very anxious.
ReplyDeleteA couple of times toward the end of lunch she just turned toward me and smiled her pretty smile. It really got to me.
It's got to be so psychologically draining to care for her day in and out. You've got the right perspective. Just keep telling yourself that day after day. You all are doing a wonderful job!
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