While I Still Can

Finally got over to see mom today after a week of no admittance due to the virus going around. I'm not sure she knew who I was as I didn't receive the usual dramatic greeting but she was happy to see me whoever I was. Overall, she was in pretty good shape. They must have washed her hair in the shower as it was wild. That was understandable since they wouldn't let the hairdresser in either. The building was spotless and smelled pleasantly of cleansers. Anti-bacterial lotion was in the elevator for general use. Obviously they were being very diligent in their efforts to keep everyone healthy.

Mom was in art class when I arrived. She had "painted" (filled in) a rose on a Happy Valentine's Day card with water colors. I asked John how she could have done this since she can't see much. He said she did the yellow and then they touched up the red. She was covered with paint but content. Ten minutes later she asked me what it was. She didn't remember painting it.

After sitting in a wheelchair for months without any physical therapy, she is getting weaker and weaker. It is becoming more and more difficult to get her to stand up to transfer from the wheelchair to a chair or the toilet. Her legs buckle and she is in obvious distress. So, I decided to do some leg exercises with her to strengthen and stretch her muscles. She was most eager to try this and we spent a good twenty minutes at it. I followed the exercises with a nice massage. She commented that she felt very relaxed. After getting toileted, mom said to the CNA, "I'm sorry to cause you so much trouble." To which the aide replied, "You aren't any trouble, Janet. This is my job and I like to take care of you." Then she gave mom a kiss on the forehead. I was glad to see her be kind to my sweet mother. Then we went in search of lunch as she was hungry but we were too early. To kill time before lunch we took a quick trip outside to the porch and then decided to go back in and give her teeth a floss. She started to do it and then rather vehemently said, "I don't want to do this!" I was quiet a minute and then she started in flossing again. The frustration had passed and she was working hard to accomplish the task before her. It's always a fine line between pushing her to be independent and do whatever she is able to do or doing it all for her. They say it's best to let her do what she can but it is painful to watch her struggle.

At lunch mom became mildly agitated. She started in with the "Lord, help me" and "oh no, no." I was right next to her and don't know what set her off. Perhaps the annoyance of the cold air from the vent blowing on her or the frustration of not being able to get the food to stay on her fork. It's any one's guess. I looked around the room and watched another table of four women who had finished their lunch. They sat in complete silence and one of them was actually asleep at the table. Mom was moaning, MarthaJean was wandering around and the rest of the residents had left the room. I realized I was holding my breath the whole time and came home exhausted. It was then that I became motivated to live the rest of my life with joy. I wanted to go the gym and move my muscles. I wanted to laugh and be aware and full of life. I have good genes. I will probably live to 100. This may not be the best news. So, while I still can, I will live life with a purpose and not complain about the little things. I will do my best to stay healthy but I will also eat dessert and have some fun. The day may come when I, too, exist, but do not feel alive.