Mom Still Thinks I'm Perfect

My husband and I are on a diet. While we're not obese by any standards, we both want to shed a few unwanted pounds. I'm still in the beginning stages and not really convinced I want to give up the sweets that keep my disposition even. There is something about chocolate, in particular, that calls to me. I can be totally involved in a television show when suddenly I have to have chocolate. If no chocolate is available, then anything that is sweet has to substitute until the chocolate craving disappears.

When I first arrived at mom's room today, the cleaning lady was there as well as the regular aide, Donna, and a new aide, Marie. Trying to "make nice," I offered them all a chocolate from the box I had brought for mom the week before. They all declined. I pushed and pushed until Shellie, the cleaner, finally acquiesced and had "just one."

I sat with mom while she ate her dinner, and then her cake with coconut cream icing. It never occurred to me to stab some of her food for a quick bite. Well, I guess it occured to me as I was starving, but I thought better of it as the piece of cake was pretty small and mom loves dessert. I just couldn't take food away from her. Especially since she is thin, I'm on a diet, and it just isn't right to take food from your helpless mother...no matter how hungry you are.

I remembered the box of chocolates in her room. I asked mom if she would like a nice piece of dark chocolate candy. "I sure would," she said. "Where did they come from?" I told her I had brought them a week ago. "Well," she said, "we should hurry up and dig into those!" I told her, "No, I'm on a diet. You go ahead and have a piece but I can't have any. I'll just smell them."

She said, "You don't need to diet. You look wonderful to me and should have some chocolate." That was all I needed to hear before diving into the box.

Our parents, and especially our mothers, can put us at an emotional crossroads. We need to feel grown up and independent (no matter how old we are) and yet we need to feel their approval. A mother has a need to guide, teach, and sometimes offer "constructive" criticism. This can be difficult to accept. However, at other times, a mother offers that unconditional love and acceptance that no one else can give. A mother's love will allow you to eat that chocolate, and still feel good about yourself. I'll always be grateful for my mother's love.

Entertaining Mom With Karoke After Dinner

Mom swooning over the beautiful music.

She was happier than she looks in this picture.

Recent Visit to my House

Mom enjoying a Sunday visit to my house. Mom and me and mom and sis.

She Really Does Love Music

After months without an activities director and nothing going on in the way of entertainment or stimulation, finally there was some action. Marie, the newly-hired activities director, and I had several long conversations last week. She wanted my input as to what was needed by the residents, and especially wanted to know all about mom. I mentioned mom's failing eyesight and mental capacities and emphasized that music was the key to making her happy. One evening she borrowed mom's small cd player and we put it in the dining room with soft piano music during dinner. It was so much better than the blaring radio that was usually on that some of the residents even mentioned how nice the music was. Marie and I were definitely on the same wavelength, so to speak, and I was bonding with the person who could make mom's life happier.

A few days later, Marie said there had been a music program across the street and she wondered if mom would have enjoyed it. "Absolutely, yes, she would have loved it." I was silently wondering what was wrong with this woman. Hadn't we just spent days discussing mom's love of music? Why hadn't they taken her over for the music? She admitted to being a little confused about the various residents and a little overwhelmed with all of the details of her new job. She said the aides didn't think mom was in any shape to go over to the music that day so they didn't take her. I agreed that there may be days when mom is anxious but music would always be a perfect activity for her. Properly corrected, Marie said she would make sure mom always went to any music activity in the future.

Today I was greeted at the door by the aide of the "home" who informed me of a music show at the other building beginning in 15 minutes. Happy for an opportunity to give mom some music, I raced up to mom's room only to find her asleep. I decided to let her sleep awhile longer as it's best to arrive when the show is already in progress. She doesn't do well in crowds if she has to wait for the entertainment to begin. The aide and I had a hard time waking mom up from her deep sleep. However, she brightened when I told her we were going to hear some music. "I'll go wherever you take me as long as you are there," she said. We bundled her up in her shawl and lap blanket and made our way to the other building. I could tell, though, that mom just wasn't feeling well. She had trouble focusing, wouldn't really look at me or even open her eyes very much. She was anxious and repeating her usual "Oh no, no, no" every few seconds. I stopped twice and told her we didn't have to go to the music if she didn't want to. It was a Kazoo Band so it might be a little odd-sounding. She thought any music would be nice so we continued. Marie was there to greet us and said she had saved a place in the front row for mom but there wasn't room enough for me to be next to her. I could sit behind her or we could possibly squeeze in on the side of the room right next to the kazoo players. That, obviously, was not going to work. My big idea of getting there while the show was in progress was a mistake. Mom was quite vocal at that point and I don't mean singing. She could easily have disrupted the show; especially if we had to maneuver the wheelchair and move other chairs around while her moaning and "oh no-ing" continued. I finally decided we would stay in the hallway away from everyone and just listen to the music from there.


Now Marie was looking at me like I was crazy. Here I had gone on and on about music soothing mom and she was as far removed from calm as the moon. I don't mind being mom's advocate but I wish she would cooperate. It would make it easier for me to prove my point if she had been smiling and singing along with the music. My credibility may be ruined. On the way out of the building, Jan, the home's sales manager, stopped and greeted mom. She was enthusiastically bragging about the music show but then noticed mom was almost asleep in her chair. Jan joked, "Janet, did the music put you to sleep?" Mom laughed and said, "That music would put anyone to sleep!"

Humor Breaks Through

We had mom to the house for Easter and it went really well. She had to settle down a little after arriving, but once she did, she was quite relaxed. Mom responds especially well to my husband's voice. He tries very hard to entertain her and it works. Because he is naturally funny, his great sense of humor breaks through the fog enveloping her. She smiles and laughs and actually "gets" him and his comments. It's amazing to watch him work his magic with her. Mom refers to him as "our friend". On the way back to her place she said, "I'd like to see our nice friend again." I assured her that indeed we would see him again as he is my husband. "Oh, you picked a good one, didn't you," she said. I said, "yes, I did and you did too by picking dad." She agreed that her husband was wonderful and said she was very lucky. These are the moments that keep me going. To know that she can still be happy makes me pause. When she is suffering, I wish for a quick end to her misery. When she is enjoying life, I realize it is not for me or anyone to hasten her demise. When it is her time to go, so be it. Until then, I will try to keep her safe and will cherish our good moments together.

A New Recipe

Crab Cakes

1 pound super lump crab meat
1 tsp Old Bay seafood seasoning
1 tsp chopped flat leaf parsley
1/4 tsp dry mustard
1/3 cup plain bread crumbs
1- 1/2 tsp Dijon mustard (one and one-half)
1- 1/2 Tablespoons mayonnaise
1 tsp fresh lemon juice
1 tsp Worcestershire sauce
1 egg, beaten with a fork

Mix together lightly and pan fry to brown in 1 tablespoon butter and 1 tablespoon canola oil. Cook about 3 minutes a side over medium-high heat. Can make the patties ahead, cover, and refrigerate. Fry up later, just before serving.

Makes 8 patties to serve 4 people for dinner. Or, can make smaller patties for a party appetizer.

Serve with Red Pepper Sauce (recipe follows)

Red Pepper sauce

1 (8-ounce) jar roasted red peppers, drained
1 cup mayonnaise or reduced fat mayonnaise
1/2 cup prepared chili sauce

Combine drained red peppers in a food processor bowl with mayonnaise and chili sauce. Pulse/grind the ingredients into a smooth sauce. Transfer sauce to a small serving dish.

This makes quite a bit of sauce. Also good with cold shrimp cocktail.

Mom with her granddaughter and great grandchildren.